When you listen to THIS IS NOT A TEST you are not "consuming content," 40 year old pictures, satin bell bottoms, Bob Ezrin, record stores, the roar of the greasepaint, the smell of the crowd, Pet Sounds, insufferable twats, music floating on the breeze, ticket scalpers, being easily entertained, cardboard boxes full of cassette tapes, Wham!, technology, a girl named Pearl, being an idiot, plastic spoons, what to bring when you visit my house, political discourse, fragging, the occupy movement, chalking one up to millennial genius, pre-moistened anti-irritant towelettes, flesh hooks, the cat in the shark costume riding the robot vacuum, Fort Knox, puppets and lemonade.
Are we sure we want a cashless society? Are we sure we want to hear about Victorian-era language, Ripley's Believe It Or Not!, delivering mail, buildings made from a single tree, Fiji Mermaids, Odditoriums, teenage vampire novels, working dogs from the UK, casinos, Taco Bell, the genius of credit card companies, above ground pools, iris scans, noisy metal boxes, poodle skirts, poop, Tony Soprano, corsets, coconuts, Wall Street douchebags, jasmine blossoms, conspiracy theories, one percenters and "bros?" Are we sure about anything?
In this episode I call your parenting into question, try to be dignified, compare myself to famous explorers, scratch my head over kids who wear costumes for no reason, call you into question for letting the kids wear costumes for no reason, change diapers, witness a spoiled prick playing Minecraft, call home schooling into question, wonder out loud whether leaving home and striking out on your own is even normal, insult Americans and Canadians and Europeans, call India and China "scrappy," blame your children's lameness on you, talk about being a good pilgrim, racism, Hindu gods, laugh at those of you spending your lives trying to "protect" children, I "feel the Bern" and try to explain why that whole thing is a pointless joke, and I may also mention Thunderdome, reality TV, Patti and Fred "Sonic" Smith, quote Joe Strummer, insinuate that the Oscar ceremony is repetitive and idiotic, and give you a long overdue chirpwatch update. You might wonder how I can fit all of that into a 30 minute show. The answer is: I'm an expert. Don't you try it. You'll hurt yourself, and we wouldn't want you to get hurt. You're too special.
Good is great, perfect is not, also, having the Zika virus, taking a vacation, having a stroke at work, Mat Gleason’s “Modern Art Blitz” and Internet TV shows in general, Jay Leno, join the professionals, McDonald’s mozzarella sticks, striving, astral planes, Internet millionaires and other numbskulls, rules, prog rock creeps, hurdy gurdys, confetti, swing, NASCAR, injection molding, sound engineers, ricocheting around the beat, smelling the sweat, zines, mimes, hiding in plain sight and test patterns.
Bukowski, Bukowski, Bukowski! And let us not forget civil servant weirdos, resisting the draft, spending all day in a bar, paying child support, living on a park bench, having a different kind of brain, fear of public speaking, skin magazines, TMZ, art generated by companies, critical mass, shaking your bush, the foolhardy and ultimately fruitless attempt to make Bukowski palatable to a wider audience, holiday shopping, Bob Marley, bombing churches, a Peter Tosh museum in Jamaica, Prince's purple jacket, mausoleums, Jell-O, rust and Batman.
Wondering about David Bowie, hair, catastrophes, cheese blintzes, Powerball, being struck by lightning, little house on the prairie dresses, sand in your shorts, Bob Dylan in a cowboy hat, Iggy Stooge, using to mirrors to see yourself from behind, pale meat, fermentation, wigs, psychologists, nostrils, living in basements, reinventing yourself, how to look a man in the eyes, pleasingly shaped heads, having an awesome boat, irritation as entertainment, the new race and baking bread. Okay, we don't talk about baking bread, but doesn't fresh bread sound good right now?
Blabbing about CBGB, Lemmy from Motorhead, making up new words, 20/20 hindsight, attitude and inspiration, being in the right place at the right time, chess, flophouses, saloons, sewage, little black boxes full of people, bass guitar strings and their durability in the face of continued abuse, the Longhorn in Minneapolis, moping (not mopping), lying around all day fanning yourself, boxer briefs, punk rock as a "brand," the Johnny Thunders replica guitar, cement mixers, scrapes and scars, contrived legitimacy, leather jackets, building stoves, gangs of hooligans, the jazz age, Whitney Houston, paying too much for movies and pretending to be the mayor's son.
It's the most wonderful time of the year, right? So let's talk about Christmas, the fine family of Unilever companies, year end lists, crying kids and sweaty dads, nostalgia, shoveling brains, the disco 70s, the characters on Mad Men, the old man sitting in the corner, prisons, carnies, dead Blue Whales, paying an extra dime to go behind the curtain, Trilby hats and Presidential bids.
Let's talk about when it's time to give up. And while we're at it we may as well talk about professional hand models, deep tissue massage, the counterculture, Oprah, the rising tide that raises all boats, how lazy poets are, sure fire money-making schemes, a better way to store sweaters, Sumi-e painting, Japanese hammers, bible class, how GOD HATES FAGS, monkeys disassembling atomic bombs, lord Vishnu, doing nothing, the circle of life, shedding hair, tattoo parlors and even a Chirpwatch update for old time's sake. Now how much would you pay?
Including thrilling tales of riding bikes up the side of mountains, financing the Napoleonic Wars, "monetizing" every human, sending the nanny to CVS in a chauffeur driven Bentley, Mork from Ork, the last can of beans in Pasadena, mental illness, speaking to the unborn, sashaying in the halls of Congress, marking the passage of time, Pizza Hut, Steely Dan and United States Savings Bonds.