An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Okay, but what do I need to eat to keep the insurance company away? Also, maps, taking a shower, Richie Havens, rabbit holes, incompetent doctors, the condition known as "Heisenblatt shoulder," living on the high side of normal, treadmills, torturing people and measuring how their bodies react, colonoscopies, forgetting how to walk, insurance, insurance and more insurance, magic mathematics, good insurance vs. bad insurance, half a car, the safe in my closet, La-Z-Boy recliners, puritans, Vulcans, Mr. Rogers and Carol Burnett.
Art vs. commerce - as Bukowski wrote in Barfly, "Ah, the eternal question! The eternal answer? I don't know." But not knowing the answer to a question has never prevented me from doing this before. I'll talk about a lot of other things I don't have any answers for too, like terrorism in Paris, forcing creativity, making things difficult on yourself, compromise, naivete, smog, humans, reading fees, business being business, art galleries, balloon animals, trying not to look foolish, hammer and nails, auction houses, a hundred hipsters sweating, self-preservation, racism, peace, love and more Bukowski.
We've all done it, bought a song - or an entire album - that we already have. Do you blame technology or marketing? While we ponder that we'll also ponder getting your arm chopped off in big piece of farm equipment, chance, luck, chaos, the Pope, opinions, monkey meat, The Beatles, The Monkees, Victrolas, 8-tracks, leaving your cassettes in a hot car, cynical attempts to separate you from your money, remastering, plastic apples, Blink 182, 180 gram vinyl, Thanksgiving dinner at your parents house, skinny jeans and the shithole that is Stitcher.
Self-publishing - what is it? Why should you care? Well I don't know, why should you care about anything? But if it doesn't interest you, we also have renovations, elevators and what people write in them, pissing, the possibility of executing certain types of people (not you), housewives and uneducated dandies, being deemed worthy, Thomas Edison, the mimeograph, X-acto knives, The Nincompoop Quarterly, exposure for artists, Kinkos, anarchy, Achilles, amateurs, cream, burritos, lipstick, Amazon (not the river), pundits, gain, loss, Catcher in the Rye, Huckleberry Finn, Saturday Night Live and humanity as a whole.
Rock and roll, who's game is it? I can tell you. And what about Halloween? What's up with that? Plus a love letter to Sonny Vincent, hate mail to prog rock, the joys of mindlessness, paternity suits, being the captain of your own pirate ship, walking a cat on a leash, interesting hats, true believers, flannel shirts, tar kettles, hallucinations, and Twitter. And yes, that is indeed a picture of Sonny wearing his Beatle boots with pajamas. As if to illustrate a point or something.
The title is a quote from Homer Simpson, but don't we find our truth in our comedy? While we talk about work we'll also gossip about commuting, the skyway system in St. Paul, Bob Marley, counting songs, Greek philosophers, Martin Luther, farming, disease and death, Indians, craftsmen, the rise of the machines, factories, labor unions, computers, small printing shops, accountants, Walmart, pig farms, being a millionaire, meteors, getting a text during dinner, alien invasions, 16 weeks of vacation and stock options, gold watches and bite plates.
On tap today: collecting things, completism, Catcher in the Rye, TV Guide magazine, bottle caps, cat-eye sunglasses, Circus, CREEM and Rock Scene magazines, box rattlers, sealing things in hard plastic, View-Master, King Tut, silver dollars, binding sniffers, Mantle rookie cards, Electro Harmonix pedals, The Wormwood Review, The Wailers, Elvis tie racks, being no-nonsense and domesticating wolves.
Do you believe rumors? Of course you do. Where do they come from? Word has it we'll also talk about kinescopes, spinning plates, being an eternal optimist, seeing ghosts, your Facebook feed, P.T. Barnum, Internet arguing, the liberal media, briefly trying to be good Lutherans, Rastafarians, being a feminist, a dictator's stock in trade, pollen or tree droppings, faith, religions as rumors, salted fish, Mayor McCheese and coconut trees.
An oral history of my Teeth. Yes, teeth! Just one of life's wonders and horrors that we all share. And you can't talk about teeth without talking about Thunderdome, science and technology, surviving on 2 liter bottles of Coke and bowls full of jellybeans, stumps and crowns, implants (dental, not breast), royal decree, things you think are crazy until you do them yourself, being hypnotized out of your money, my psychology in particular or anyone's psychology in general, being busy, going to Iceland, flying vs. the bus and the Grand Central Market downtown.
An admittedly biased one-man oral history of the Guerilla Poetics Project, including tricky vampire doctors, sharks, unknown poets, databases, voting blind, Ginsu knives, explaining Netflix to a monkey, swag, pawn shops, mysterious collectives, going viral, human nature, ending strong, the extinction of retail book stores (maybe), vinyl LPs, The Beatles fan club and minor miracles.